Here is a funny joke to get you started!
So this traveling salesman is driving through a farming community when his car breaks down. He makes his way to the nearest farm and on his way to the house he looks in a pen and sees a pig with a wooden leg. He knocks on the door and when the farmer comes he says, "Good day sir. My car broke down up the road but before we get into
that, I have to ask you about the pig with the wooden leg."
The farmer says, "Well, that's the smartest pig in the world."
"What do you mean ?", asks the salesman.
"Well, last spring, I'm driving the tractor to disc the back 40 when it turns over on me. I'm pinned beneath it with a broken leg. I'm a'shoutin but the only one hears me is the pig. He busts out of his pen and runs out to me. Pig gets me out from under the tractor and then proceeds to set my broken leg !"
"Well that is a damn smart pig," says the salesman.
"That ain't nothin,"says the farmer,"Last winter a spark jumped out the fireplace while me and the family were asleep. The house starts to burning. That pig bust out of his pen and runs into the house. Wakes me and the wife up. Gets the kids out of the house. Then helps us put out the fire."
"You're right," says the impressed salesman,"That is a smart pig. But that doesn't explain the wooden leg."
"Well," says the farmer,"When you got a pig that smart, you don't eat him all at once."
These are from Comedy Central.com...
Little Johnny Stands Up
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Actual School Excuses Notes
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:
1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.
I hope you enjoyed these jokes today! I found them quite funny and cute, especially the "school notes".